Sorry But Not Really
My dear friend, Rosa Covell will be taking over today and sharing her beautiful story. Please take the time to read it, comment it and share it. It took a lot of courage for her to publicly speak on the topic and I know it will bless you, your sister, your cousin, your friend.. someone! If you or someone you know can relate to what will be shared, just know that you are not alone. We are right here with you!
Now, without further ado, I leave you with “Sorry But Not Really” by Rosa.
To the women and men waiting on their little miracle: I want to apologize for our pregnancy announcement. I personally know very well the feeling... that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach, the automatic tears that form in your eyes and the millions of thoughts that run through your mind when you see another pregnancy announcement on social media. You are happy for the couple, but deep inside you think... when will it be my turn? Believe me, I know, I understand and I am sorry you saw one more. For several weeks, I debated if I would announce to the world that we are pregnant because of fear. Fear that if I said anything, I would somehow mess something up (it sounds silly, but if you have gone through loss, you understand what I mean.) However, it's because of YOU that I decided to announce our pregnancy. I can't keep quiet the miracle God has blessed us with anymore. I feel a very strong tug in my heart to share with you what God has done in our lives. I NEED to remind you that if He did it with us, He can surely do it with you no matter the circumstance.
You may think, oh Rosa, you don't get it. You don't understand or know my circumstances. Agreed, we all have different circumstances. I got married later in life (but, that is a different story for a different day--- piece of advice for my single friends: Never Settle!). I know the ups and downs of praying and pleading with God every month for that positive pregnancy test. And, I am very aware of the pain and grief when the test was negative. Worst of all: having to tell my husband that it was negative again. Although he was 10,000% supportive of me, I hated seeing the pain in his eye’s month after month. I felt responsible for shattering his hopes and dreams every month. That in of itself, was a hard pill to swallow. I've become an expert in tracking ovulation and timed intercourse. I'm very familiar with the feeling of giving up and, “what’s the point anyways?" I also know very well the pain and ugliness of not one, two, but three back to back miscarriages. I anxiously await the day I can see and hold my babies in my arms in heaven; all the while keeping quiet and keeping a smile on my face. I am not a spring chicken. I am 40 years old. We have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on tests and invasive procedures to figure out the reason for our infertility/recurring miscarriages. Our results were always the same: negative/normal. I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility. I do not have PCOS or Endometriosis. Neither do I have fibroids, polyps or cysts. My HSG came back clear. I do not have any hormone, genetic or chromosome concerns or abnormalities for my age. I was told I am lucky because I have a high AMH level and normal FSH level for a woman my age. Also, there was no concern with low egg count, low sperm count or any underlying medical conditions. Although my diagnosis was a blessing, it's still hard to understand and grasp why I have 3 babies in heaven instead of here with us. I needed answers and a medical doctor could not give me one. I needed to understand the why. We were told "sometimes, these things just happen". We were given the suggestion of IVF. Although IVF in my opinion is a perfectly legitimate option to parenthood. I am not against using the blessings of science to assist in fertility treatments. Nonetheless, I just did not feel peace with that route. The Bible details the experiences of several women that walked this path of infertility before us. I believe that God purposely shares so many of these stories in the Bible because He knew that for women/men walking this journey, we would need the encouragement. I personally identify with Sarah in the Bible. God had made a promise to her that she would have a child. Her age caused her to not believe. The Bible even mentions that she laughed. I can picture it now...
Prophet of God: Sarah you are going to be a mom! Sarah: while her rolling her eyes, saying oookkk, chuckling and walking away.
As you already know, she did give birth to her promised child! And, we are all now related to her and Abraham.
After I turned 40 in September last year, I didn't believe anymore. I didn't believe that God would answer the promise He made us. I thought it was just too late for me. I gave up on our dream. In a very weak moment, I even told my husband that I understood if he were to want a divorce because I had not been able to give him a child (oh man, got tears in my eyes just remembering that conversation). I did not want to be selfish and wanted him to have a chance to fulfill his dream of becoming a father. But Cass reminded me that he loved me for me. I prayed, I told God that I just couldn't anymore. I needed Him to take away my desire to become a mom to a baby here on earth. I reminded myself of all the blessings God had given me: I am married to the most amazing person on earth. He loves me and I am crazy in love with him. We do indeed have children, but they are safe in heaven. My sister and brother have allowed me to have very close relationships with their children. I have experienced a glimpse of what it is to be a mom through their kids. God knows that those 5 kids mean the world to me. I have the best parents in the world and wonderful in-laws. We have a beautiful home. I have a great career where I feel I make a difference and Cass has a successful business. We have traveled and thank God we don’t need anything. So, why did I want a baby? On December 31, 2019, I cried out to God one last time and I asked God to do His will in our lives and not mine. I just wanted the will of God to be fulfilled in our life because I knew that everything would be ok if that happened and that is all I ever wanted. I was done trying. Most of all, I was tired of losing baby after baby after baby. Little did I know that only a couple of weeks later after having that very raw conversation with God, we would experience the suddenly of God!
My faith was tested, no, better said SHAKEN. But, after 1,145 days of just gut-wrenching pain, ugly crying and just giving up hope, that is when God would bless us. I remember telling Landy in January... that if something does not happen by Sunday (the 19th), I would a take a pregnancy test, but not before then because I was just not trying to become pregnant. All along, I had a very strong feeling that I was pregnant. But I was fighting those emotions. I kept telling myself “you are setting yourself up for disappointment"... "stop thinking that you are pregnant, you left your infertility issues at the feet of Jesus". The feeling was so strong that I decided to test early. But, because I was trying to guard my heart, I decided to not test as indicated on the box. I tested in the middle of the day after having several bottles of water. The test came back negative. The feeling, however, kept haunting me. I couldn't resist anymore and decided to test correctly as indicated on the box. On January 18, the blue line immediately showed up. I remember rubbing my eyes because I thought I was experiencing "line eyes" (those of us that are going thru infertility know what that term means). Because I was completely shocked, I tested with a digital test to confirm. And those beautiful words came up: PREGNANT! I became pregnant naturally without any medical intervention. To this day, I am still shocked! Just the previous day, the pregnancy test had come back negative!It makes complete sense to me now. I now believe that God allowed Cassidy and I to walk through infertility to give YOU hope and encouragement through our story. Even if I am able to encourage one person with my story, my journey had a purpose. Please don't give up hope. God is a miracle maker. He wants to bless us with our heart's desire. Although I hated when people would say this to me, but God's timing really is perfect! Trust the process. God knows what He is doing. He truly knows what is best for us and which road will lead us to become parents and when it will happen. It may be naturally, via IUI, IVF, surrogacy, donor egg, donor sperm, medication, foster care or adoption. Blessings come in all shapes and sizes. Please don’t give up hope. Hang on.... the blessing is around the corner. One last note: Please know, if you need a friend to pray with you, listen or just stand with you while you are in the waiting, I am here. I am always willing to talk, text and pray with you. You are not alone. Infertility is isolating, vile, and worse of all makes you feel unworthy and less of a woman. But those are all lies! You are worthy, God has not forgotten about you and you are so beautiful! Never forget: The God who made the galaxies and all the stars in the sky knows you by name. He knows you. He knows your desire to become a mommy/daddy. Rest on that. One last time: Your father in heaven knows you and sees you, He knows your heart and deepest desires and loves you. Please don’t give up.
Your friend, your sister
Rosa
Below are some pictures I want to share with you.
The first picture is our pregnancy announcement.
The second picture is of my necklace which is a reminder of Jackson and our other two babies who are in heaven.
And the last picture is the positive pregnancy tests.
