It's Different

Today is my birthday where I am celebrating a huge milestone in my life. But this year’s celebration looks very different than those of the past. A couple months ago, I envisioned a huge gathering with friends and family where I would share the biggest news ever. But a lot has happened since then. This year’s different. There will be no celebration, there will be no party, there will be no grand announcement. This time it’s different. 

I’ve been struggling to share this for a few months, like really, really struggling. But I just feel like God is pushing me to speak. And I’ll admit it, sometimes it sucks to be open and transparent and vulnerable because you become exposed. For the most part, I am a very private person but there’s an area of my life that pushes me to be vocal for the sake of anyone out there who may be going through the same thing. This requires me getting out of my comfort zone and sacrificing my privacy for the sake of maybe you or someone you know.

For those who know my story, for the past 8 years or so, I’ve been struggling with infertility and I actually opened up about it publicly last year. After many attempts to get pregnant, surgeries, treatments, medicines, and IVF nothing has worked until late last year. Our dream came true and we were able to get pregnant. We were so excited to become parents, finally! Our baby in the womb celebrated so much with us. Baby was present when mama preached New Year’s Eve. It was magical. I remember God giving me that message and the title was: Sweet Dreams. 

Little did I know that a week later, I would be telling my baby Sweet Dreams…forever.

Our feelings and our faith will conflict with each other

but we cannot stay planted in our feelings, our dwelling place must rest in faith.

I have a little precious angel that went to be with the Lord in January. This angel was my child, making me a mother for the very first time, after eight agonizing years. My baby was a miracle, proving that in fact, I could get pregnant. In spite of the pain and grief that is still so vividly present, I still cling on to hope and continue to believe for the future. And I can’t wait to meet my sweet angel one day.

Why am I sharing this? Because miscarriage is so raw and so real. I never thought I would be adding this onto my resume of infertility. And when it happened, it was shocking and numbing all at once. For many weeks, I was just immune to my surroundings. I had to quickly delete the baby apps, unsubscribe to the baby email listings, I had to stop my weekly baby bump pictures. I had to painfully close that chapter in my life. Life stopped as my hopes and dreams shattered right before my eyes. Grief is painful. I can now say, I know how it feels to lose a child. Its heart-wrenching. How do you move forward?

I’ve had to learn how to deal with grief and navigate through my feelings. I am thankful for my support system, for my husband and my family. For special friends that have walked me through this painful road, who have journeyed this path before me. I am thankful for an on-time book that has helped me process disappointment. The book is called: “Its Not Supposed To Be This Way (finding unexpected strength when disappointments leave you shattered) by Lysa Terkeurst which I began to read two weeks after my loss. And most of all, I am thankful for my Heavenly Father. I’ve found refuge in prayer and in God’s Word which has helped me silence the voice of the enemy whenever he whispers lies in my ear. 

One thing that Lysa Terkeurst says is “If the enemy can isolate us, he can influence us”. And there are so many women who are hurt and shattered beyond belief and their pain is keeping them away from receiving help and a word of hope. So many couples are dealing with infertility alone, so many women grieving the loss of their babies and they are either too afraid or ashamed to share their stories. I want to tell you that you don’t have to walk this road alone, its a painful and lonely one. Seek help, there are people that God will place in your path that will help you if you allow them to do so. And if I can encourage you through my journey, I would say this: There is nothing to be ashamed of. You are normal. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. God does not make mistakes. He is not done with you. He is still writing your story. A new sentence begins after the period. A new chapter begins when you flip the page. I received this quote from my cousin yesterday, “If He is the Alpha and Omega, He wrote your beginning and your end, your A to Z, shouldn’t you trust Him with the XYZ and everything in-between?”- Steven Furtick 

And as I am writing this, I feel deep sorrow because like I said this was going to be a magical weekend. I had it all planned out (as the planner that I am). I would have been well into my second trimester, half way past the middle mark. I would have loved to reveal the gender of my baby this weekend during my birthday celebration but God knows everything. Instead, my big reveal to you is different, it’s to let you know that I have an angel in heaven that is celebrating my birthday with me. Not the type of celebration that I expected because it’s different.

I don’t know why things happen the way they do. God is sovereign. And if I knew all the answers, then He would not be God. I am still processing this loss, I have good days and I have not so good days. Saturdays are tough for me because that’s when a new week would begin and I would faithfully take my bump pictures. 

One thing that I’ve learned with grief is you can’t suppress your feelings, you can’t hide, you can’t jump hoops and attempt to skip the process. If you want to heal, you have to allow yourself to feel the hurt. You have to go through the process of pain in order to heal. 

“To deny my feelings any voice is to rob me of being human, but to let my feelings be the only voice will rob my soul of healing perspectives with which God wants to comfort me and carry me forward.” Lysa Terkeurst

Our feelings and our faith will conflict with each other but we cannot stay planted in our feelings, our dwelling place must rest in faith. Today, my birthday may seem different, my celebration may be quieter than usual but I can stubbornly say; I still believe and my faith is anchored in the Author and Finisher of my faith. Jesus is my hope and I will not be shaken. And as I have on my office wall: Promise Still Stands. I know that I serve a God of miracles. And I am here believing not only for myself but for you, your sister, your aunt, your friend, your co-worker for their miracle as well. There is nothing impossible for Him. And your situation may look totally different than mine does but trust and believe that He’s got a firm grip on you, on your family, on your finances, on your health, on anything that you are believe Him for. Your pain is not wasted and He will use your story for His glory.

“You must serve only the Lord your God. If you do, I will bless you with food and water and I will protect you from illness. There will be no miscarriages or infertility in your land, and I will give you long, full lives.” Exodus 23:25-26

Be Encouraged, Be Blessed!

~landypf

Baby Bump

This was my last baby bump picture, I miscarried the the day after.